Insomnia

I can't sleep, but I am tired. In less than 8 hours, I have a nerve conduction study on my lame leg. I'm thinking about getting a second opinion if my ortho doc seems to think its still just fine. I'm just tired of the brush off when I express concern about the drastic slowdown in progress of my healing. And his staff is annoying me with the lackadaisical handling of my disability forms that go to my insurance company. They don't seem to understand that without the insurance company getting those forms, I don't get paid my disability, so then I can't pay them. See if I bring them anymore coffee ever again.

I could be doing half a dozen other things right now. I owe letters to a friend. I could be folding some laundry. Doing some light housekeeping. Or snuggling with the mutt in my nice cozy bed. I thought when I quit facebook that I'd spend less time on the computer. 

I've been somewhat successful cutting back on caffeine. I wish I could cut back on sugar. And eating out. Those are my next two goals, I guess. Along with trying to find some lame leg exercises. Well, exercise that can be done despite a lame leg. I thought the bad part of this injury was the broken leg. Looks like the ankle dislocation was the real damage inflicter. It's not helping my mental status, for sure.

What I did for summer.

I broke my leg in two places, and I had to have an operation to install a metal plate and six screws. The photo above is ~two weeks post surgery. Summer 2010 = lame.

NILMDTS

Thanks to Ms. Fitzita  for posting this. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is a wonderful organization, and every time I look at my photos of JJ, I thank them for what they do. They came to me at a most difficult time, under a serious time constraint, and thanks to Jeanne Luna's willingness to volunteer her photography skills and time, I have beautiful photos of JoSuelynn. There is nothing like a photo after your baby is gone, to help you remember all the precious details of your child's face, and tiny hands, and delicate toes.

My daughter was born just after 10am, and I only had four hours with her. Ms. Luna came and spent some time taking photographs, and was able to give us nine beautiful photos in time for the funeral a few days later. A couple of months later She sent me 40 photographs on a CD, and I received a letter allowing me full control over the photos to do as I wished (I know there's a legal term for it, but it escapes me at the moment). If it weren't for those photos, I feel like my recovery would not be where it is today.

If you are looking for a worthy cause to donate to, please consider NILMDTS. They are celebrating five years of helping families, and you can click here to donate. They are asking for $5 to help families create precious memories.

Actual text conversation with my BFF:

BFF: I can’t swim cuz it’s rainin
Chick: Sure you can! U gonna get wet anyway…
BFF: It’s thundering and I have a rod in my back
BFF: Member?
Chick: Oh, yeah.
BFF: Gotta be careful or I will have electricity in my bones
Chick: Um yes please do. Should I be moving away from you when we are in a storm together?
BFF: That would b wise
Chick: I figured I would b the one to worry about being stuck down by lightning. U are the one who still believes in god…
BFF: Maybe u should
Chick: Nah…
BFF: To each their own
Chick: We should both go in out of the rain I guess!
BFF: I may melt
BFF: Or float like a turd
BFF: I’m sitting on toilet @HEB stinking it up
Chick: LOL!
BFF: omg this is when I call on Jesus
Chick: Call on dulcolax
BFF: LOL

Most interesting order I heard today

"I'd like a tall vanilla latte, hold the grinds, please"

my nights are days, and my days are nights..

I'm up all night, and sleepy all day. Martie has seen fit to try to adapt me to her sleep cycles, and its taking its toll on me. Apparently, canines sleep in 4 hour cycles, and feel perfectly rested. And humans, such as myself, need several uninterrupted REM cycles to feel rested. Its taking it's toll on me. I'm not thinking clearly until 2 or 3 in the afternoons.
and here I am again, its 2am, and I'm wide awake and laughing at the drunks on Facebook...

this is so annoying.

He posts pictures of my dog, and passes her off as HIS dog. It annoys me, to no end. He never even bought her dog food, or a toy. Never went with me to get her toenails trimmed, or paid for any vet visits. He was just a guy I slept with who likes my dog. I probably shouldn't even care, but it annoys me that he thinks he can pass her off as his. Is he trying to impress someone? Does he feel that he has so little, he has to attempt to impress people with a dog that he doesn't own? He's never even asked about her since I asked him to leave.

I think it bothers me because he's doing the same thing with JJ. He would do nothing but start fights with me, and disappoint me the ENTIRE time I was pregnant, telling people it wasn't his, sticking to his lie that he had a vasectomy, so I must've cheated on him and gotten pregnant. He didn't care that I was even in labor. Until he knew the baby was dead. THEN he stepped up. And he spent the next seven months bitching to me about the money he spent on the funeral.

It bothers me, because he's a pathological liar. And I know he's lying again, to someone, or someoneS, new.

I know you read this, Steve. Martie is not your dog. JJ was not your daughter. You were just a sperm donor. And not even an honest one at that.

I was holding her for a little while.

During the four hours I got to hold my dead baby, the anesthiologist came to take the epidural tubes out of my back. I had laid JJ down so that he could do his work, and I just marveled at how perfect she looked, and said something out loud to Sissy, about how she looked like she could just wake up any second and start crying. She just looked at me, and in the silence, the doctor said, "Just wait, she'll spend so much time crying, you'll wish she'd stop."

I didn't even blink an eye, when I told him, no, she wouldn't ever cry. Because she was born dead. He didn't say another word, just finished up what he was doing and left the room.

I wonder if he remembers that day...

Congested!

its in MAH CHEST NOW!!! ugh. but I'm feeling better. Aside from the occasional wet cough and drippy nose. I'll be back in school on Thursday morning, I'm sure. I am dreading taking the test I missed. And having to make up all those hours. eeek!

I did some yard work yesterday. It felt great, and the front yard is looking a lot better. Just in time for the letter from my HOA telling me that my front yard is overgrown. Heh! I had to buy a new lawnmower. The old one was getting to difficult to start. Now this one is easier to start, and Sissy is able to start it, too, so that's a plus.

I'm watching Jillian's "Losing It" now, and I'm trying to figure out why the Dad is constantly wearing a neck pillow? He's not asleep, so can he not support his neck?

And, in the list I'm compiling of things that Coffee House customers should not do: dont drive your loud diesel truck through the drive thru. Park it and walk inside. Even if you shut your engine off to order, when you restart your engine, its deafening through our headsets. Also, your loud engine interferes with other customers ordering. So be polite, and park your loud vehicle and come inside. And this applies to you if you drive a loud car. Or if you need a brake job. Please.

Snot funny.

I'm sick. again. its the 4th time in 5 weeks. My body aches. My sinuses are full. My tonsils feel close to bursting. I'm told its allergies. Or something viral. "We will test you for mono." "Come back again, with your $30 copay." "In the meantime, here's your prescription for a drug we've already prescribed to you." "Take some time off to rest." "Come back if you aren't better."

Will stress kill me? Hopefully it would be a quick death, but I have a feeling that if it could kill me, it'd be a long lingering death, full of misery and more needle sticks.

I passed out when they took my blood today. I'm still feeling hinky. I should be in bed, getting the rest I need so desperately. I'm thirsty.

Sick and tired. This should be my name.

The wonderful technology...

The technology in clothing is awesome I thought... I wore stain resistant pants to work this morning, and spilled 16 oz on coffee on them. The fluid ran down my pant leg, right into my shoe between my laces, and now my toes are burned. And I have very obvious coffee stains on my pants now. Stain resistant, my fat ass!

Also, my shoe is squishy. Coffee is hot. It feels like a monday.

One of my customers this morning ordered a grande mocha. I charged her for a grande mocha. I handed her a venti (a larger size, 4 ounces more). She handed it back saying she didn't want to drink that much, could we please remake her drink, in the smaller size. "Of course", I said. In my head I'm thinking something totally different....

Progress

I can't really tell if I am better or worse these days. I have moments here and there where I feel absolutely in the depths of the abyss. I think the shock of JJ dying has worn off, and left an absolute pit of despair. There is no comfort to me that she's "in a better place". There is no better place for a child than with her mother. I can't see the future without her. There are moments I wish I were dead.

My anxiety levels have been ratcheting up at times, but I can mostly manage it with medication. I've had one bad moment at work, but I don't think anyone noticed, and I got a grip on my freak out before I went screaming out the doors. But there are some interactions with a couple of customers and coworkers that have me ripping my eyelashes out by the roots. I may have to see if I can start tolerating my xanax while on the clock. I find myself grinding my teeth or chewing my lip while at work at times. I had picked up a shift at another store, and it was the best shift I've had in 3 months.

But the good times are really good. I'm making progress at home. I mowed the yard, I'm still not done, but since I mowed it for the first time in more than 6 months, I'm thrilled. I started putting vegetables out, I have tomatoes blooming, along with yellow squash, and I planted onions, and have plans to plant much more this season. My callas are blooming again, totally surprising me when they started sprouting and they look incredibly healthy. My two orchids are starting to look great. I daydream about an orchid pot I saw at the nursery, and I go by there once per week, hoping its still on the shelf until I can budget the purchase. I am desperate to locate a portable sewing machine and start a quilting class on monday, I got so excited talking to the instructor today while driving I could barely remember how I got to work! I daydream of finishing the quilts I have started, and making new ones, and repairing one Mama Joe made for me.

I have just these little things to look forward to, and I grip them as tight as I can, hoping that if I can fake participation in life, that maybe I will feel alive again.

If I had a million dollars...

First, I'd tackle my health:

hire a personal trainer
buy locally grown and organic foods
take some time off work
pay off my medical bills
pay for ART- IUI's, maybe IVF if necessary.

Then i'd pay some stuff off, like my student loans. Maybe I'd buy a newer used car, one more dependable than the POS I have now. I'd pay off this house, and buy a couple of acres near where my daughter is buried.

Then I'd:
get my mutt fixed, and get her another crate for upstairs.
get a granite memorial bench for the family cemetary.
hire some housekeeping help, and some yard help, so that I can concentrate on my garden.
retrofit the house with some solar power panels.

Then, if I had any money left, I'd go shoe shopping.

Somebody has to say it

When you order something from a food or beverage place, quit looking so surprised when you get to the window when I ask for money. You look at me with mild shock while you fumble for your wallet. Did you forget that you have to pay for your triple venti no whip white mocha? Be prepared to pay for your drink. I'm not buying it for you, I just made it for you.

I'm leaving on vacation, and I can't remember when I have been this excited about anything. And that was before I found out we will be stopping in Mexia on the way home to visit JJ. Its a combination of not having to work (yay!) and going someplace new (yay yay!) and some serious Andi time (YAY YAY YAY!)

I have had a lot of caffiene today. and sugar. lots and lots. heh!

Meanwhile, my mom's purse was stolen today. And my sister found out she has major dental work that HAS to be done ASAP, and it's 18 days before her health and dental insurance will lapse. And I tried to buy onion sets today so I can grow my own onions, and the garden store was out. They will get more, but not til I am gone, and that will be the last shipment. And the mutt has been really exhibiting some serious separation anxiety. I haven't left yet!

But in 3 days I will be in another state! literally and figuratively.

it was finally time.

this isn't the only tattoo I plan on getting for JJ. But its the most visible. I put it on my forearm, and I feel like I have crossed over a line.I finally have visible evidence that I was pregnant and I had a daughter. I have a permanent and publicly visible mark from JJ.

Covering it up at work has been only a slight annoyance- the adhesive irritates my skin.

Hot N Cold

I feel like I'm exactly where I should be, in this grieving process.
I feel like I'm doing so well some days.
I feel like I'm dying other days.
My therapist says this is the worst she's ever seen me.
I feel better than ever.
I'm grasping at straws.
I hang on to nothing new in this life.
I have a wish list of things I'd love to do this spring.
I want to sleep for the rest of my life.
I still cry everyday.
I can't cry anymore.
It's hard to live.
It's unthinkable to not live.
I'm completely numb.
I hurt so bad.

Stuck on a roller coaster.

and then it was 2010

a whole new year. feels much the same as the last one.