I have no idea what I'm doing in this space. In these spaces. This blog, this world, this life. I have no forward motion anymore- my life centers around my fucking leg, my patient dog, and the DVR. I realized that I have been in pain for about 6 months now. I could up my vicodin, but the pain never completely goes away, just the 'edge' is taken off.
I walk so slowly and it frustrates me. To the point where I wish I were back in the comfort and confines of my house. If I don't push myself to walk, then I will never get past this point. But its difficult for me to force myself to do something for my own good, if there's no immediate reward. I have no drive to do anything that doesn't feel good to me right then.
I think this goes hand in hand with my lack of self control, too. If I have soda or junkfood in the house, I will drink them one after the other, even if I tell myself I should only have one per day or whatever the self imposed limit is- whatever I think it "should" be. I can't adhere to any self imposed rules I set up for myself. When it comes to sugar, I'm a 3 year old kid. With no parent to tell her no.
I can tell myself I need to journal, and that I want to, but after my first entry, I haven't been back. I want to regain some of my writing skill ( did I ever really have any?) and practice it here, but I go for months without writing anything more taxing than a grocery list. This would be ok if I were out IRL living it, but again, I'm stuck in the lame ass leg rut, complaining about having nothing to do, or lacking the stamina to do anything, so I could be here updating, but I'm not. I've been off work for six long months, and I have nothing to show for it.
I don't even know why I still bother trying.
