Shadow babies are the children that were born close to our babies birth date, or you somehow associate that baby with your own lost baby. They always remind us of the one we lost- I see a shadow baby and I simultaneously am thinking about JJ and about the fact that she's gone. About the fact that she'd be about that size, or at that stage of development.
The shadow baby I associate with JJ is Adrian, my best friend's grandson. He was born the day after JJ. I tried so hard to be happy for her when I got his pictures via email, but I had to delete them. I felt terrible, but seeing pictures of that precious newborn stabbed what little was left of my heart right into oblivion. And of course, the guilt- I should be happy for my friend, and its not the baby's fault that he lived and JJ didn't. But still.
The first time I held Adrian, he was about 8 weeks, I think. I managed to hold him for about a minute before I started shaking. And crying. And I wish now I could go back and hold him and tell him I am sorry for not loving him more at that moment.
Adrian passed away on August 30. He was just 9 months old.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
JJ's headstone
is paid for, and being worked on. The funeral home sent me a sketch. It'll be done and set up by her birthday.
it's a good thing.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
an email from my bff
Hey I had this awesome dream last night and I wanted to share it with you. First when me and Eric were waxing the red truck yesterday he had it on one of those old country stations and some of the songs playing were reminding me of times I spent camping and fishing with my mom so I suppose that's what triggered my dream. I went to bed last night exhausted but happy to spend time with all the kids and Eric. My dream started out by me sleeping and hearing my mom call my name over and over again. In my dream I woke up, in the dark and was looking around for my mom. And as I walked in the living room I could see her standing there smiling at me with a glow of light surrounding her. She was beautiful. Her skin was glowing and her hair was flowing around her all nice and blond (like she just colored it) haha. I walked towards her with tears in my eyes and she grabbed me and hugged me so tight. We then began to spin around being silly as usual. I was so happy that I felt like I had electricity running through my body in a good way. If that makes sense. When we stopped spinning we we standing in a meadow of beautiful grass and flowers. The sky was crystal blue and the sun was shining but it wasn't hot. Imagine that? Well she then began to tell me how great things were there and how good she felt in her body now that the cancer was gone. I then started telling her all the things going on with me and she stopped me telling me that she knew everything and watches me all the time. We talked about Adrian and then she said that there was somebody she wanted me to meet. So we walked throught the meadow with the wind blowing around us. We came upon this huge playground full of children and under a canopy was all these cribs and playmats with toys and fuzzy animals running everywhere. She walked through the children until we came upon a beautiful crib with ribbons and lace everywhere. As we looked in the crib I seen the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen dressed in white and pink satin gown. The little girl smiled at my mom and stretched her arms out for mom to pick her up. She did and mom gave her a big kiss and hug and looked toward me and said that she comes here everyday and spends time with her. I asked why her. And she said because she knows you would want her to. It was JoSueLynn!!!! Can you believe it? We took her and sat under a big tree and visited until JoeSueLynn fell asleep and then we took her back to her crib. It was awesome I woke up crying not because I was sad because I felt so good inside and I just wanted to go back. I know it was just a dream but I wanted to share it with you. I know everyday is a struggle for you. It is for me too. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about my mom. I may not talk about her everyday but I think of her. I know JoSueLynn is on your mind and she stays on mine too. I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you. I just felt the need to. Always know that I love you. If you ever need anything I am here. Have a wonderful day!
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