Shadow babies are the children that were born close to our babies birth date, or you somehow associate that baby with your own lost baby. They always remind us of the one we lost- I see a shadow baby and I simultaneously am thinking about JJ and about the fact that she's gone. About the fact that she'd be about that size, or at that stage of development.
The shadow baby I associate with JJ is Adrian, my best friend's grandson. He was born the day after JJ. I tried so hard to be happy for her when I got his pictures via email, but I had to delete them. I felt terrible, but seeing pictures of that precious newborn stabbed what little was left of my heart right into oblivion. And of course, the guilt- I should be happy for my friend, and its not the baby's fault that he lived and JJ didn't. But still.
The first time I held Adrian, he was about 8 weeks, I think. I managed to hold him for about a minute before I started shaking. And crying. And I wish now I could go back and hold him and tell him I am sorry for not loving him more at that moment.
Adrian passed away on August 30. He was just 9 months old.
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