I have no idea what I'm doing in this space. In these spaces. This blog, this world, this life. I have no forward motion anymore- my life centers around my fucking leg, my patient dog, and the DVR. I realized that I have been in pain for about 6 months now. I could up my vicodin, but the pain never completely goes away, just the 'edge' is taken off.
I walk so slowly and it frustrates me. To the point where I wish I were back in the comfort and confines of my house. If I don't push myself to walk, then I will never get past this point. But its difficult for me to force myself to do something for my own good, if there's no immediate reward. I have no drive to do anything that doesn't feel good to me right then.
I think this goes hand in hand with my lack of self control, too. If I have soda or junkfood in the house, I will drink them one after the other, even if I tell myself I should only have one per day or whatever the self imposed limit is- whatever I think it "should" be. I can't adhere to any self imposed rules I set up for myself. When it comes to sugar, I'm a 3 year old kid. With no parent to tell her no.
I can tell myself I need to journal, and that I want to, but after my first entry, I haven't been back. I want to regain some of my writing skill ( did I ever really have any?) and practice it here, but I go for months without writing anything more taxing than a grocery list. This would be ok if I were out IRL living it, but again, I'm stuck in the lame ass leg rut, complaining about having nothing to do, or lacking the stamina to do anything, so I could be here updating, but I'm not. I've been off work for six long months, and I have nothing to show for it.
I don't even know why I still bother trying.
Get back to what you know routine. Eat well and don't let anyone get you down. Sometimes Shit happens to good people. All we can do is pick our selves up and keep on keeping on.
ReplyDeleteBest of Luck.
Oh Chick,
ReplyDeleteI just spent the last hour catching up with you on your posts. I am so sad for your loss. You have to be one of the toughest chicks i know.
I lost my mother this past year and, for me, what you have gone through trumps that by a ton. I feel incredible sadness often and it must be only a fraction of what you've dealt with.
You have such strength and perseverance, screw it, go easy on yourself.
I am so happy to have heard from you and caught up.
~ hopefulloser (Beth)