Progress

I can't really tell if I am better or worse these days. I have moments here and there where I feel absolutely in the depths of the abyss. I think the shock of JJ dying has worn off, and left an absolute pit of despair. There is no comfort to me that she's "in a better place". There is no better place for a child than with her mother. I can't see the future without her. There are moments I wish I were dead.

My anxiety levels have been ratcheting up at times, but I can mostly manage it with medication. I've had one bad moment at work, but I don't think anyone noticed, and I got a grip on my freak out before I went screaming out the doors. But there are some interactions with a couple of customers and coworkers that have me ripping my eyelashes out by the roots. I may have to see if I can start tolerating my xanax while on the clock. I find myself grinding my teeth or chewing my lip while at work at times. I had picked up a shift at another store, and it was the best shift I've had in 3 months.

But the good times are really good. I'm making progress at home. I mowed the yard, I'm still not done, but since I mowed it for the first time in more than 6 months, I'm thrilled. I started putting vegetables out, I have tomatoes blooming, along with yellow squash, and I planted onions, and have plans to plant much more this season. My callas are blooming again, totally surprising me when they started sprouting and they look incredibly healthy. My two orchids are starting to look great. I daydream about an orchid pot I saw at the nursery, and I go by there once per week, hoping its still on the shelf until I can budget the purchase. I am desperate to locate a portable sewing machine and start a quilting class on monday, I got so excited talking to the instructor today while driving I could barely remember how I got to work! I daydream of finishing the quilts I have started, and making new ones, and repairing one Mama Joe made for me.

I have just these little things to look forward to, and I grip them as tight as I can, hoping that if I can fake participation in life, that maybe I will feel alive again.