The wonderful technology...

The technology in clothing is awesome I thought... I wore stain resistant pants to work this morning, and spilled 16 oz on coffee on them. The fluid ran down my pant leg, right into my shoe between my laces, and now my toes are burned. And I have very obvious coffee stains on my pants now. Stain resistant, my fat ass!

Also, my shoe is squishy. Coffee is hot. It feels like a monday.

One of my customers this morning ordered a grande mocha. I charged her for a grande mocha. I handed her a venti (a larger size, 4 ounces more). She handed it back saying she didn't want to drink that much, could we please remake her drink, in the smaller size. "Of course", I said. In my head I'm thinking something totally different....

Progress

I can't really tell if I am better or worse these days. I have moments here and there where I feel absolutely in the depths of the abyss. I think the shock of JJ dying has worn off, and left an absolute pit of despair. There is no comfort to me that she's "in a better place". There is no better place for a child than with her mother. I can't see the future without her. There are moments I wish I were dead.

My anxiety levels have been ratcheting up at times, but I can mostly manage it with medication. I've had one bad moment at work, but I don't think anyone noticed, and I got a grip on my freak out before I went screaming out the doors. But there are some interactions with a couple of customers and coworkers that have me ripping my eyelashes out by the roots. I may have to see if I can start tolerating my xanax while on the clock. I find myself grinding my teeth or chewing my lip while at work at times. I had picked up a shift at another store, and it was the best shift I've had in 3 months.

But the good times are really good. I'm making progress at home. I mowed the yard, I'm still not done, but since I mowed it for the first time in more than 6 months, I'm thrilled. I started putting vegetables out, I have tomatoes blooming, along with yellow squash, and I planted onions, and have plans to plant much more this season. My callas are blooming again, totally surprising me when they started sprouting and they look incredibly healthy. My two orchids are starting to look great. I daydream about an orchid pot I saw at the nursery, and I go by there once per week, hoping its still on the shelf until I can budget the purchase. I am desperate to locate a portable sewing machine and start a quilting class on monday, I got so excited talking to the instructor today while driving I could barely remember how I got to work! I daydream of finishing the quilts I have started, and making new ones, and repairing one Mama Joe made for me.

I have just these little things to look forward to, and I grip them as tight as I can, hoping that if I can fake participation in life, that maybe I will feel alive again.

If I had a million dollars...

First, I'd tackle my health:

hire a personal trainer
buy locally grown and organic foods
take some time off work
pay off my medical bills
pay for ART- IUI's, maybe IVF if necessary.

Then i'd pay some stuff off, like my student loans. Maybe I'd buy a newer used car, one more dependable than the POS I have now. I'd pay off this house, and buy a couple of acres near where my daughter is buried.

Then I'd:
get my mutt fixed, and get her another crate for upstairs.
get a granite memorial bench for the family cemetary.
hire some housekeeping help, and some yard help, so that I can concentrate on my garden.
retrofit the house with some solar power panels.

Then, if I had any money left, I'd go shoe shopping.

Somebody has to say it

When you order something from a food or beverage place, quit looking so surprised when you get to the window when I ask for money. You look at me with mild shock while you fumble for your wallet. Did you forget that you have to pay for your triple venti no whip white mocha? Be prepared to pay for your drink. I'm not buying it for you, I just made it for you.

I'm leaving on vacation, and I can't remember when I have been this excited about anything. And that was before I found out we will be stopping in Mexia on the way home to visit JJ. Its a combination of not having to work (yay!) and going someplace new (yay yay!) and some serious Andi time (YAY YAY YAY!)

I have had a lot of caffiene today. and sugar. lots and lots. heh!

Meanwhile, my mom's purse was stolen today. And my sister found out she has major dental work that HAS to be done ASAP, and it's 18 days before her health and dental insurance will lapse. And I tried to buy onion sets today so I can grow my own onions, and the garden store was out. They will get more, but not til I am gone, and that will be the last shipment. And the mutt has been really exhibiting some serious separation anxiety. I haven't left yet!

But in 3 days I will be in another state! literally and figuratively.

it was finally time.

this isn't the only tattoo I plan on getting for JJ. But its the most visible. I put it on my forearm, and I feel like I have crossed over a line.I finally have visible evidence that I was pregnant and I had a daughter. I have a permanent and publicly visible mark from JJ.

Covering it up at work has been only a slight annoyance- the adhesive irritates my skin.

Hot N Cold

I feel like I'm exactly where I should be, in this grieving process.
I feel like I'm doing so well some days.
I feel like I'm dying other days.
My therapist says this is the worst she's ever seen me.
I feel better than ever.
I'm grasping at straws.
I hang on to nothing new in this life.
I have a wish list of things I'd love to do this spring.
I want to sleep for the rest of my life.
I still cry everyday.
I can't cry anymore.
It's hard to live.
It's unthinkable to not live.
I'm completely numb.
I hurt so bad.

Stuck on a roller coaster.