I'm leaving on vacation, and I can't remember when I have been this excited about anything. And that was before I found out we will be stopping in Mexia on the way home to visit JJ. Its a combination of not having to work (yay!) and going someplace new (yay yay!) and some serious Andi time (YAY YAY YAY!)

I have had a lot of caffiene today. and sugar. lots and lots. heh!

Meanwhile, my mom's purse was stolen today. And my sister found out she has major dental work that HAS to be done ASAP, and it's 18 days before her health and dental insurance will lapse. And I tried to buy onion sets today so I can grow my own onions, and the garden store was out. They will get more, but not til I am gone, and that will be the last shipment. And the mutt has been really exhibiting some serious separation anxiety. I haven't left yet!

But in 3 days I will be in another state! literally and figuratively.

it was finally time.

this isn't the only tattoo I plan on getting for JJ. But its the most visible. I put it on my forearm, and I feel like I have crossed over a line.I finally have visible evidence that I was pregnant and I had a daughter. I have a permanent and publicly visible mark from JJ.

Covering it up at work has been only a slight annoyance- the adhesive irritates my skin.

Hot N Cold

I feel like I'm exactly where I should be, in this grieving process.
I feel like I'm doing so well some days.
I feel like I'm dying other days.
My therapist says this is the worst she's ever seen me.
I feel better than ever.
I'm grasping at straws.
I hang on to nothing new in this life.
I have a wish list of things I'd love to do this spring.
I want to sleep for the rest of my life.
I still cry everyday.
I can't cry anymore.
It's hard to live.
It's unthinkable to not live.
I'm completely numb.
I hurt so bad.

Stuck on a roller coaster.

and then it was 2010

a whole new year. feels much the same as the last one.

Coherency

Merry Christmas, precious baby girl. I still miss you like the first day I lost you.

what I think everyone should read.

'An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination' by Elizabeth McCracken.

Shadow Babies

Shadow babies are the children that were born close to our babies birth date, or you somehow associate that baby with your own lost baby. They always remind us of the one we lost- I see a shadow baby and I simultaneously am thinking about JJ and about the fact that she's gone. About the fact that she'd be about that size, or at that stage of development.
The shadow baby I associate with JJ is Adrian, my best friend's grandson. He was born the day after JJ. I tried so hard to be happy for her when I got his pictures via email, but I had to delete them. I felt terrible, but seeing pictures of that precious newborn stabbed what little was left of my heart right into oblivion. And of course, the guilt- I should be happy for my friend, and its not the baby's fault that he lived and JJ didn't. But still.
The first time I held Adrian, he was about 8 weeks, I think. I managed to hold him for about a minute before I started shaking. And crying. And I wish now I could go back and hold him and tell him I am sorry for not loving him more at that moment.

Adrian passed away on August 30. He was just 9 months old.